Approaching two

It’s hard to be believe it’s almost been two years since Helena was born. We've enjoyed all of it for different reasons but would say it’s become more fun and interesting in the past year. It’s also been harder at times as Helena has entered "toddlerdom" for a variety of reasons including (but not limited to) temper tantrums, incredibly stubbornness and unwillingness to cooperate, increased danger with walking and climbing everywhere, smacking us in the face randomly, and social dynamics in and outside of her daycare class. Thankfully I fundamentally believe that Helena is a good child with a good kind heart. Yeah things could change, but I think she has a pretty good foundation and that she’ll turn out alright based on what I’m seeing so far. 

Helena has been going through a hitting phase recently. After she hits us, sometimes quite hard, and in the face, she says “sowy” in the cutest little voice you’ve ever heard and then say’s hug and it really is sweet. But “why can’t you just do the hug part without the hitting” we ask? Toddlers are complicated I guess is the short of it and other parents have talked a lot about the “phases” to us. We've read some articles also that say it's about security and being scared...huh, strange.

A big challenge of raising Helena has been getting on the same page with Maya. The biggest test of a marriage, at least for us so far, has been having a child. There’s many facets of it; agreeing to values and how we want to raise her, safety, bedtime, and all sorts of other standards, and agreeing on who does what and being comfortable with each other’s roles. Figuring out the balance of time spent taking care of our child vs freedom to still pursue and enjoy our individual lives based on our own interests is really hard. On that front I definitely get out more and find that most of my guy dad friends have the same sort of set up and we all deal with resentment and unhappy wives from time to time. Between band (and jamming with neighbors), sports, coaching, school, yelp, and other interests, I have to get better at saying no. 

But having a child means sacrificing certain things to some degree and if it’s annoying to have to text your girlfriend every time you want to stay out a half an hour later to you then fatherhood may not be right for you. I’ve learned that giving up doing something I want to do in favor of spending more time with Helena can be very rewarding and not always so sad. Still, it’s an ongoing daily practice to figure out this balance and not abandon my own life interests and pursuits.

But of course all of this has come with many positive new life changes too not related to sacrifice. Despite not being able to choose when I want to be dad or not, most of the time I spend with Helena is enjoyable and often fun; especially when we are doing activities together. Bad weather days with nothing on the schedule can be long and challenging. I can’t tell if Helena has the same cabin fever that I have or if it’s all toddlers. In thinking about the former, we’ve brought her everywhere with us often whenever we want and she’s adjusted quite flexibility with her nap/bed times and eating schedule. 

Helena continues to take it all in time and thrive from all of her new experiences. She is lucky and I'm beginning to see what intergenerational privilege and opportunity looks like from a 1st hand perspective. It's also fun to re-live those 1st experiences with them, which is something many parents told me before I had her.

Toddlers are innately hilarious and way more interesting than any other human you will ever observe. Helena thinks of things we would never try being so trained by life’s daily routines. She experiments with combinations of foods, caps for containers on other items, shoes on her hands, and brushing her teeth with a razor (less good, we had to stop that one), to dipping just about any food in her milk. 

Toddlers can also be ridiculously sweet and non-judgemental in a way that is refreshing and reminds us all of our common humanity. They will play with anyone anytime and will laugh just like anybody would at a real loud great sounding fart. I know this sounds corny and trite, and maybe it is, but experiencing it all so up front and personally is different and wonderful and I guess, in part, why people have kids.  

Communicating with some one who doesn’t quite have the language yet (even through gestures- we never really tried to teach Helena sign language...maybe with the next one) is also something to get used to. I believe the two year old language explosion has also begun as she begins to parrot us more and more (in whatever language we are speaking) surprise us unprompted with multiple word short sentences that we’ve never heard before. She is always listening and observing even if we don't think she is. When we were recently robbed by our air Bnb guests Helena saw that I was down and kept saying “sawee papa.” This small thing helped me remember about everything I had and what I didn’t lose and to keep things in perspective. When you think about what’s important in life, and why you have kids in the first place, it makes the $3000 loss of electronics and other stuff a little more palatable. I’ll try to look back on this post and remember this when Helena is being a big pain in the a*#.

New school similar story. Life check-ins

After one year at Hapeville, three at Dunwoody, and many hours of frustrations dealing with Atlanta traffic, I decided to apply for one job opening at a nearby high school. Decatur is one of just a few decent public schools in Atlanta and while I’m open to working at different types of schools, my motivation (as well as my own upbringing) has been in the public sector. This was the only school I applied to (perfect opening) and I once again was lucky (or skilled?) enough to make the change I wanted happen. 

Switching to a school closer to home has been good in many ways. In some other ways it’s been very hard but difficult to pinpoint why except that maybe I was expecting for things to be more different. Teaching is teaching though and mostly my life is not drastically different (after all I went from one “DHS” to another) and I feel like my teaching days could be numbered. I have the passion and motivation to do a pretty good job still day-in day-out w/out shooting for teacher of the year or creating a new French exchange program.

First I’ll start with the pros. Besides going from 1.5 hour of commuting most days to 45 min being awesome, I am working in a much smaller school district now. A lot of the check list type things I have to do I understand better and don’t feel as many frustrations with a county system that doesn’t have to apply a one size fits all as we are the “City schools” of Decatur and not Dekalb County. On the other hand, there is surprisingly still a lot of red tape for things like student technology use, fundraising for a club, doing a field trip or having a guest speaker, or getting a “black-out” day off. I had to watch some school safety videos over the Winter break that were pretty much a waste of time. Still, mostly we don’t have do quite as many useless trainings and/or grading protocols we don’t agree with. 

My class sizes are also smaller and we have something called learning connections - a 45 minute block once a week to do whatever we choose to do with students (my Fall semester one was board games and I really enjoyed it). Everybody needs a break like this in the school week, it’s smart, and it’s a chance to interact with students in a very different way that is much less explicitly pedagogical. Finally, the teaching support at Decatur is unlike anything I experienced at Dunwoody with real feedback and suggestions for improvement and more support staff (although I don’t always feel like they are that useful). Languages at Decatur, like at Dunwoody (except for Spanish), are not co-taught whether you have 1 special ed. student or 8.

Cons: Most of all, I miss my department and department chair who was one of the best “bosses” I’ve ever had. My current group of co-workers are nice but the department is split and there are no personalities like I had with the guys at Dunwoody. While it may just be a case of being newer and getting to know my colleagues more, I can’t see myself coming as close to the (mostly) ladies in my department as I did with the guys back at Dunwoody. We also have a riff between two of the different groups of ladies and as such the department doesn’t feel very cohesive. There are two German teacher guys but not sure how well I connect there. Beyond coworkers I am still getting used to the IB diploma. The diploma itself is in quite a bit of transition so it’s also hard to judge but it doesn’t feel that much more meaningful or challenging than the accelerated/gifted into AP paths I saw at Dunwoody. It look a minute to get used to using the rubrics, understanding the systems, and I still don’t properly get all of it. I wish I had been more properly trained in it but I am told that next summer I will.

I gave up a couple of k in salary from Dunwoody and I think I preferred the block schedule. The French program is also less existant at Decatur as there is no French club or exchange with a partner high school in France. Yes I could help build these things but not sure I have the energy given what it would mean for Helena and the family. Also, applying for a grant for a language conference at Decatur only to be told after doing all the work that they didn’t have grants for things like that was depressing. None of my colleagues seem to be plugged in or engaged in the broader language teaching community. We also don’t have much cohesion in our curriculum or teaching methods across teachers or languages.

I also miss many of the Dunwoody kids. It could be this is similar to the coworkers thing and it will just take time to forge some of the nice relationships which I had at Dunwoody. The students come from different populations and politically speaking Decatur is much more in line with my way of thinking. Overall though, I think some of the disrespectful kids at Decatur could be worse than what I had at Dunwoody. The lack of care and cooperation and feeling of a few of my students doing the exact opposite of what I frequently ask of them is exhausting. Watching students put their head down and refusing to even respond when I ask them if they are ok is sad and hard to manage. Could their lives really be that bad and incomprehensible to me to justify their behavior? Or am I so far off that I can’t even guess what’s going on?

As always, I try not to take it personally but there have been several emotionally taxing days at Decatur this Fall/Winter. By the time we got to Winter Break everybody was ready for a it. And unlike Dunwoody, Decatur has a year-long rather than semester schedule so although it will be easier coming back, I’ll resume all over again with the same challenges in my first semester. I’ll of course try to implement some changes; namely with the ongoing cell phone challenge and lack of effort/motivation from an incredibly large group of students. I’m pretty pessimistic though unfortunately about things really improving and while my day-in day-out experience is ok, I’m not super excited about my job. All of this may be less of a critique of Decatur and the move I made, despite the length of the cons in this entry vs. the pros, and more of a reflection of where I am at in my 5th year of teaching. 

I often don’t feel like I am having much of an impact with my work and this is one of my primary motivating “get up in the morning” factors. I know many teachers feel this way and the long-term effects are hard to see. I know the work is important and worthwhile, but at least as far as teaching French goes, I don’t know that this is the right time of a young person’s life to do it when they lack motivation or belief that it’s even possible to do. I sometimes wish it was an elective course but the language enthusiast in me also recognizes the inherent value of learning a language, whether or not students ever end up using it. On the other hand, I am not proud of how many students pass my classes having such little proficiency in the language (frankly it can be embarrassing) and I never know how much of it is a reflection of me and my teaching vs. the inherent difficulty in the task.

Teaching anything is hard, but learning a language in a non-immersive environment feels unattainable for students outside of the top third of a class. And I do think they forget about what they learn fairly quickly as evidenced by students I meet in the hall a year or so after they take a class with me not being able to say or understand anything in French outside of “bonjour, ça va?” I know this is not really a fair measure of anything since I don’t remember anything myself from high school. On the other hand, one of my motivations behind teaching a language is that it’s practical and I don’t have to explain why students are learning something most days.

I’ve been doing a lot of soul searching over the last several months and started career counseling towards the end of last summer. The progress has been slow but existant. In starting on this path of reflection and planning I’ve realized that teaching is a great fit for me and my personality and life goals in many ways. Simultaneously, the more I’ve thought about it the less excited I feel about continuing down this path namely for the reason cited previously - I feel like I could have more impact using my French in other ways or just in general not even necessarily doing something related to education or language. I still like the idea of building something and learning about something completely different in a different industry. Going back to school is another serious consideration as I think there could be a lot to be gained with an advanced degree. But these ramblings suffice for a pre-New Year reflection and I hope to keep up on this blog a little better in the next few months.

Long overdue Summer '18 post

Traveling with Helena for a few weeks (some without maya) was an interesting experience. It wasn't as bad (difficult) as others might have thought and it definitely was a lot for her. Sometimes we went from train to train to bus to car etc and this was tiring and something to think about when planning. The secret weapon that I suppose was (and still is) not secret was food. Then I just crossed my fingers that she would sleep some. I remember traveling to Cumberland Island towards the end of the summer and trying to get Helena to nap in a tiny little tent (the "pea pod") in ridiculously hot coastal Georgia weather was miserable. She skipped that nap and we paid the price on an incredibly long and difficult bike ride to camp site # way too far from where the boat dropped us off.

I'm still figuring out what to do with my teacher summers and who knows how many more of these I will have. While I've enjoyed all the travel and still desire to see more of the world, I sometimes wish I had something more concrete to show for my time. Maya suggested creating a dad travel blog, which I think would be fun as I could use our strength I believe we have as a team; Helena and I are both flexible and don't adhere to cultural norms like going to bed early. But I prefer traveling with Maya or a friend and while I like writing, not sure I'd want this responsibility that may be hard to maintain during the non-summer months.

Overall I didn't feel terribly productive last summer but I guess I had a good time and it was nice to just enjoy traveling and seeing friends and family.

Looking back, it wasn't my favorite summer but Iceland was a ton of fun. The diversity of landscapes and natural beauty in such a small place was really incredible. You become desensitized to water falls you see so many. It's also a crazy expensive place but one that's worth revisiting for sure. I still have not made the photo album I wanted to make. Why do these things take me years to get to?

The summer flew by and I had to start at Decatur high before August even started because I was (and am) a new teacher there. 

---This post was written around the end of July but never posted. I ended it with: "Hard to believe but excited for another school year with new staff and curriculum." Post script -not sure how I excited I am in the thongs of the week before Xmas blues but I'll try to post again later this week about how the semester at my new school has been. 

Spring Break and French Immersion

This is a very old post that I never posted but meant to about two months ago when I was in France:

We’ve finally arrived at Spring Break. It was a long slog from Quebec and our ski trip with Tarik back in February as I was in full swing tennis season and students struggling to learn French with big projects and test taking time. After teaching 3 previous years I’m starting to recognize the patterns more and moments in the semester where things like this happen and everybody just seems to be trying to get through while the insurmountable mountains of papers to grade build for teachers. Preparing for France was also somewhat stressful and I probably did not do nearly enough to actually get ready. But here I am, writing once again in Sarreguemines where we jump straight from school to our semi-vacation and then back again. This time we are staying here until Sunday also and our new principal has rejected both my French colleague Jennifer and my request for a day off on Monday when we get back sadly.

It’s interesting to be back in France in the same place, staying with the same teacher for the second time where everything is a little more familiar and I am not quite as worried about the students. We have a little bit smaller of a group this time (16 students) and while young, they mostly seem pretty good. Still, I cross my fingers that nothing bad happens and there’s quite a bit of time when we aren’t with them and they stay with their host families. On the other hand, when they are together, singing songs on the bus in English, texting their friends on snap chat back home with their international plans, and eating McDonalds, I think about just how different their “immersion” experience is here. In fact, it’s not really an immersion experience and I think unless they are trying really hard to improve their French, mostly they are here to have fun, have an interesting cultural experience during their spring break, make surprisingly strong connections with their French hosts, and to bring back some good stories with them to the States. I don’t think there’s anything wrong with this and perhaps, it’s too ambitious to think someone would have a life changing experience in 10 days, but in end I think I don’t think this type of trip is as meaningful as a true immersion experience. 

I wish that we didn’t have all of the group time with our students but I know this is also what they look forward to the most and that staying with their host families for extended periods of time is also scary for them. I also realize that my perspective now on all of this is very different because I lived in Belgium for 9 months in high school and I’ve traveled so much since then. It’s hard for me to put myself in my students’ shoes and try to imagine how they are feeling right now; especially the students who’ve barely left the U.S. before. If I tailor my expectations so that this trip is meant to spark something inside of them instead, and not necessarily be life changing in it of itself, it’s much more likely that we’ll be successful.

I’ve also forgotten about how bad the service is in France at restaurants. We had an hour to eat a meal the other night and the two Marc’s (our French chaperone counterparts) didn’t think we had enough time for an appetizer and a desert in that span. The waiter surprisingly agreed - and this is where we see the difference of our tip culture. They don’t really have any incentive too get you to order more or expensive options.

The French are also very protective of their language and incredibly precise with their grammar. Punctuation is very important and teachers here may make it harder for Americans to want to learn their language. With most of the world speaking English now as a universal language there just isn't as much incentive for our students to learn French either.

2nd Semester, Spring '18

Here we are already week 3 of our second semester at Dunwoody High. Tennis has started back up too, despite weeks of delay from the crazy weather we've had this year (another semester already with four days cancelled due to weather that we now have to make up -arghgghgh!). And as predicted with a 10 month old it is pretty rough. There's just not enough hours in the day and I can never seem to go to bed before 11, but tonight I'm going to do it.

Balancing band, chiropractor (x2 a week now, not sure if it's helping really but worth a shot), school, and everything else has been tough. At least I don't have to teach a world history class this semester and for the most part my kids seem pretty good this time around. The Hispanic population at the school has really blown up so it's been nice refining my methods and incorporating more of my Spanish into my lessons. In general I think I've become a much better teacher. Still, I really don't know if teaching is for me long-term. I like what I do but it just seems like a small world (I guess all careers probably feel that way) and not somewhere that I can continually grow in a way that would matter to me. So that being said I wonder if I should continue on with it and if anything will change? I do really like it and enjoy being around the kids. It also kind of sucks that Georgia teacher retirement system expects teachers to stay in the system for at least 10 years to get any pension, but that doesn't seem like a reason to stay on. If nothing else I'd like a shorter commute in the next year or so, assuming I keep going.

But what would I do otherwise? Create an education non-profit? Start a social enterprise? Go back to school? For business? For what? I'm 32 and I really have no idea, no more now than I have in the past other than that I have a sense of what I enjoy doing as far as the actual type of work I'm doing and I know that I need to be driven by some sort of meaning with what I'm doing. I'm fortunate that I don't have to worry too much about money with Maya's work, but at the same, need and even desperation would probably breed more innovation.

I'm starting to get to a point where I can think about my life's work, my life narrative, and what I may leave behind some time. Although I know it's early, but having a kid kind of changes the way you look at things. I'd say I have more hope for Helena but that would suggest that my life hasn't been anything but lucky and great, which it has. I am healthy, able-bodied, play in a rock band that occasionally plays outs, have everything I really need and gets to go on sweet vacations plus have the summer off, own my own car and home, have a pretty cool dog, lots of friends (although not so many around here which can be sad), a wife and daughter, and I love French and tennis which are huge parts of my life. I guess the grass is always greener and we don't recognize the "good times" until they are past. But at times I think about my impact on the world and whether if I didn't exist how different things would be, and with that depressing note I'll end this post; since the answer is I really don't know.  But hopefully I'll keep thinking about that and get to a better place where I am more comfortable with it.

Xmas Break 2017

School break is finally here after a long semester of weather interrupted (and elongated school days) learning. It's funny but every year the collapse into Christmas break is so anticlimactic as life suddenly slows and exhaustion catches up with me. However, unlike in years past, with Helena now, my vacation is her vacation, so there isn't really any vacation. I'll enjoy getting to hang out with her more, especially as she's a lot more interactive now. On the other hand though, I have a lot of things I'd like to accomplish over the break and that will not be so easy as Maya is also trying to get a big grant done.

Overall the past semester was fun and probably my best at Dunwoody yet. Having only one prep, my own classroom, no hallway lunch duty, and first period planning made for a winning combination. I also didn't have any truly "bad" troublemaker kids, which is something I am more worried about for next semester. I still had my daily heartbreaks and moments of clarity about what I am doing and how I make a difference.

Long-term I still have no idea what I am doing. Listening to all of the business-related podcasts (How I Built This, Start-Up, the Pitch, etc. is interesting but I don't know how much it's helped).  I really can't see teaching my whole life but I also can't see going back to school right now without more of a future vision. There's a lot of things I am interested in but nothing that's pushing me so much as to do something different and I like teaching and I like Dunwoody. I could go for a different commute though, that still kills me.

Being a dad has been fun and I think we truly got lucky with Helena. She's remarkbly easy, although as the photos below at times I lack concentration and revert to being on my phone rather than engaging with her. I am working on it but at times, especially on a weekend where I am in charge without help for long periods of time it can get a bit tedious. Sometimes I wonder about what to do with her and when I play with her how much is just her playing on her own vs. interacting with me.

I'll post again sometime during this break. Off to Florida for some (hopefully) warmer weather!

Southern, GA road trip Halloween weekend

Titus visit and all day long bike adventure through back alleys and all around ATL

Jimmy Carter Sunday School

Jon Ossof visit to Dunwoody

Maya annual holiday work party w/spread

Selfie at train yard on ATL bike adventure 

Southern road trip cotton fields

Marcos, Titus, Jeremy and co. at Cabbagetown annual's Chomp & Stomp weekend

Andersonville Prison

Farm de Tour bike ride w/Marcos

Southern Road trip stop over at the Pasaquan art complex

Maya taking a picture of me not at my finest - "negligent parenting" 

Backgammon w/Havi

Columbus Day 2017 Update

Another Jewish New Year gone by and my new time ticker reminds me it's been over 6 months since her birth. I'm having a great school year at Dunwoody with my first year of having only 1 prep. all year long, my own classroom, no 3rd period lunch duty, and relatively small classes. At least in this first semester I also don't have any real behavior problems. I can't tell if I've become a better teacher or if I've just gotten luckier this time around. Still trying to figure out life-work balance and spend more time with Helena.

No broad life revelations here but feeling pretty good about things. I've joined a competitive tennis league (doubles) and enjoying/feeling nervous about tennis again of course. The band has also been fun and we've found a way to continue playing pick-up soccer with a tag-team style to watch baby while we play. Life has changed but we are just as active as ever. I guess I gave up ultimate frisbee, but I wasn't playing before the baby came anyways. Starting to have to schedule more around Helena's schedule and not staying out as late these days but none of that really bothers me.

Lots of botanical garden ATL visits that we are now members

Quidditch in NYC during October Fall Break visit. Always crazy stuff happening there

Hiking at Harvestis in the Great Smokies, September, 2017

4th Atlanta United soccer game this year. New stadium has helped promote the team to 2nd place

Still manage to find a little time for Concrete Jungle volunteering

Peter Christenson and me holding up Maya's mushrooms on Harvestis weekend, a really good idea for seeing your good friends once a year and celebrating just because. Can't wait for next year, can't imagine it'll be as close as Pidgeon Forge