A New Chapter

 Here I am back at it again. Although these posts come few and far between these days, I like the fact that I can continue a thread and see how things have changed/look back on what's now been a minute with this thing. I've returned because some self-reflection is in order with a new reality that I am both confronted by and one that I created. I also like the free write process here.

Last February I decided enough was enough at Decatur. The challenge of working and continuing to do a job that you no longer feel the same passion for was the overarching reason I think that I left teaching. I also wrote an 11 page memoire that I did not share (at least not yet) not just venting my frustrations within education but also specifically with my school and the ways in which I saw obstacles/management that I no longer wanted to confront in order to accomplish my language teaching objectives. I do miss it some, especially the kids, but even a month into "official" unemployment I do not have any regrets. It is funny to say the same thing that I've heard over and over both when I was teaching and afterwards now about how "it wasn't the kids," because that really is true. The demands for an IB high school teacher are not realistic or sustainable and the work load was only getting worse every year despite having better and better handles on systems and ways in which I felt like I was operating more efficiently; however, I also didn't want to miss my kids growing up and it's been nice picking them up from aftercare most days, attending morning meetings, and just in general having more time now.  

I knew the job search would be grueling so there's been no surprises there although I can see how the disappointments and frustrations can add up and make people question their choices. I do not want to be unemployed for 9 months, one year, or longer (and hopefully it will be less!). Pivoting at 41 feels especially challenging as I am now competing for jobs potentially against some of my former students. Teachers have tons of great experience that no matter how well we tell our story and market these skills on our resumes and cover letters we face an uphill battle. Finding a teacher who has transitioned to a new role would probably help with getting an interview, which is why networking is so important. Typically I enjoy networking as it engages me in some of my strengths and natural connection's ability, but this feels different. It feels more like being powerless and asking someone to take pity on you. My cousin Hannah reminded me that people want to help and I shouldn't view it that way but it is a hard reality still that I am confronting on a regular basis now and I need to force myself to put myself out there. 

Chat GPT and people I meet alike tell me I am super qualified and even "overqualified" for certain jobs but then actually getting interviews feels almost impossible. This lack of congruency between what I experience in the marketplace for jobs and what I would otherwise expect is hard and the longer I live in it the less confident I can value in my skills and background. I can keep telling myself I have value and marketable skills but if the job market tells me otherwise, I become more and more willing to work shitty poorly paying jobs just to get something again. 

Since I started looking almost back in June (when I got to Vermont this past summer if I am being truthful about the timing), I've only had 2 interviews. It was challenging to not move forward with Ellevation after making the connection with Leah in Vermont and feeling like I had done a pretty good job with those interviews. I never found out why I didn't move forward and I think this will be the case most of the time moving forward when I get other interviews and fail to advance. At least having a few interview under my belt gives me some hope about landing something in the future. 

The other big recent life update was hatching baby quails and then a few weeks later losing Sherlock. After over 12 years together we had to say goodbye to him yesterday. I didn't beat myself up too much about the decision because he was an old dog and seemingly had a problem (brain advanced tumor?) that he was not going to come back from. At the same time, the frustration with our healthcare systems, or in this case, pet care, is still challenging to live with going forward (I also can't believe my Kaiser insurance with Decatur was going to be $1200 a month to maintain now outside of an employer). As for Sherlock, why did it take so long to get an appointment with a specialist (dog dermatologist? I didn't know that existed?) and if the problem was serious wouldn't he have been put in the front of the line? The reality is that we may have spent more money and put him in more discomfort had we chosen more of an interventionist approach but now I am wondering if that's just what I tell myself to feel better about it. No matter how you look it sucks but the one angle I can understand is that he was crying/whimpering his last night or two and was definitely suffering. Euthanasia is a better choice than continue to living with such a low quality of life and I can completely understand the frustration people have with this not being a choice for humans (at least in our country).

Now I wake up every day with no shortage of things to do or even leisure activities I'd like to take advantage of while I can, but with a lot of questions around structuring my day and what to prioritize. I do feel a little guilty when I go days at a time not applying to jobs, but at the same time, I am learning that it's more about quality than quantity anyway and I need the mental breaks from looking at job postings. I'm still deciding what I might like to accomplish during this time but I do find it ironic that when you are working you so desperately want a break, but then when you get this break, the anxiety is real about finding your next job. The other irony is about how we fill our time and how I still often feel so busy. Running a home with two young, active kids, even with Solomon helping us out as much he does, takes up a lot of time. I suppose we fill the time we are given and when we don't have much of it we find ways to make it work and are forced to be more efficient/take more time to get to certain tasks. I feel fortunate that with Sherlock's passing I was not working. I've also been able to put some good time into our upcoming October Italian vacation for Titus' wedding which I am super pumped about. 

Maya has thankfully given me the space to not worry about the money and to focus more on what I want to do, but this view unleashes it's own set of waves of harsh realities. I can think about what I might like to do in 10 years or what I liked about teaching and trying to look for more of those things for my next jobs, but can I even convince someone in a different industry to give me a chance and explain (in an interview) what this vision looks like? I'll go a few more months and check back here to see if I've made any progress or developed my ideas further. If not, I may take the leap into a business idea and trying my hand at creating my own thing. But that's a whole other reflection for another day. We shall see, signing off for now,

-AK

Chickpea, one of 3 new baby quails 

75 Hard & 40 years in

 It's been over a year and a half since I last posted. Wow! The timing gets greater every time it seems. So much to say with so little time. It's that time of my life I guess. I completed 75 hard this past year where I actually lost almost 8-9 lbs, which given my size, is quite a bit. In any case, I wanted to post about it but it felt very vain and I didn't do this for anyone but myself. At Harvestivus this year, Sam made a great point that we aren't getting any younger so now is the time to appreciate our looks. We will think about ten years from now about how our current state was so great. It's such a poignant and great thought because she's right. We spend so much of our time thinking about we used to be thinner, better looking, fewer greys, etc but the decline is inevitable so we should appreciate what we have.

Turning 40 really solidified this for me with Maya throwing me the surprise party and all of my fav. ppl from out of town flying into Atlanta. It was so so much fun and truly a mile marking point. Atlanta is also pretty cool and it was fun to share that with folks. Aging isn't all bad, but still tired all the time...

Teaching Career: 10 Years In

It’s hard to believe it’s been 10 years that I’ve been a teacher. Last year was a very hard year for me and I really wasn’t sure I could keep going, or if I could, that I’d really want to continue once I did make it to 10 years. This year was much better and I’ve rarely experienced such appreciation for my hard work, especially towards the end of the year. After finishing up all of the exit tasks this year, something in the music I was listening to and a final email from a parent telling me what a difference I had had with her daughter, just made me crack. I lost it. Not in front of anyone, but I felt overwhelmed with emotion and cried. I’ve thought about this moment for a few years now, ever since I decided I would try to make it to 10 years and vest in the Georgia State pension system for teachers. I’ve struggled, and continue to struggle, with what I want to do with my life and what I might do next after teaching. Can I imagine myself doing this for another 10 years? No. Another 2 years? Yes probably, but I don’t want to be going through the motions and/or feeling stale about it or not looking forward to doing the same thing again and again. Besides putting too much pressure on myself, I continue, I suppose like many millenials, to hold great expecations of work and what a job should bring to some one. Whether these are realistic expectations (or hopes), I’ve thought more this year than any other about how work should not be such a defining feature of our lives and how that thought obsession can really take away from other equally if not more important aspects of life such as family, health, leisure, or lifestyle.  

Besides looking for a change and wanting to do something different to continue my growth and learning, and rarely feeling intellectually challenged anymore, I wanted to feel like I was good at what I did. Being a teacher means you have many tough critics and the kids can be relentless at times. If you please some kids you’ll make others mad. They always want more “hands on” learning activities, but then often struggle to identify what hands on learning means to them. They’ll complain about worksheets even when I am not giving out worksheets. They’ll say my classes aren’t engaging but sometimes not even give a lesson a chance because they are so engrossed in their phones or fail to listen to instructions repeated over and over. Teaching in today’s age truly does feel harder, and to some extent, as I’ve grown wiser and more experienced, even from 10 years ago, it feels harder. Social anxiety levels seem to be at all time highs and we are still feeling the effects of the pandemic. I can’t tell if this year was better because we are turning a corner now from the pandemic experience, or if I just happened to have a nicer crop of students. Of course it still wasn’t easy and I still experienced days with disrespect, or challenging conversations with students, and on more than one occasion, the feeling of losing it with ineffective lessons or worse yet, students rising up together as a class to attack me or something they felt was unfair. Seniors continue to remain unmotivated on the whole, but next year’s grade book changes might impact that? But on the whole, my life was not stressful this year and I enjoyed going to work everyday. That is not something that every, or even most perhaps, people can say about their work. This feeling of gratitude for purpose in my work is probably what set me over the edge when I cried.

So why the discontent? Why the need to change what I do for a living? If I am decent at what I do and I can in fact see results from all of my hard work and efforts, does my effectiveness provide greater meaning to my life and the benefit I derive from my work? I think the short answer is yes, and the overwhelming flood of emotions that hit me as I finished this year, at least in part, also came from this realization. And if I am increasingly satisfied with my work, what does my future look like? How do I feel about continuing to teach at least for another two years to gain the benefit of the masters degree I will soon be finishing as well as the recent pay raise for my TRS retirement pension?

These are all questions that I need to consider for this summer. To some extent, I already know the answer to the last one after enrolling in grad. school and realizing that my transition from teaching will probably be challenging. Nevertheless, I don’t do what I do for financial reasons and the difference to my retirement pension, now that i have it, will be really pretty minimal whether I stay or not. This is especially true if I take a job in the private sector like Charlie which pays so much better that I would likely make up this loss of pension benefit by just investing the difference I’d make with a higher salary. But I also have a doctor wife and have never been driven by financial reward. I am privlidged enough to have this fortune and I think about that almost every day. So then what is missing and why do I still feel this need, this urge, to change what I do?

I think from one perspective I want to prove to myself that I can start over, re-invent myself, and bring value to the world doing something different. Even though I know that I am a model and that my relationships with young people matter, sharing my passion for languages, and teaching French, do not feel like the most important things in the world. What if my hard work and all of the energy that I put into whatever I do, could yield more effective results, reach more people, and change (improve) the world in a more innovative/novel way?  Am I truly taking advantage of all of my natural skills and abilities in the roll that I am in? What if I stayed teaching, but found ways to innovate and assume new roles and responsibilities within my current situation? Will leading another study abroad trip next year help me to feel more fulfilled? How could I have more responsibility and continue to try to be a change maker who leaves his mark on the world? Or I am continuing to be arrogant with my expectation that my work should achieve those sort of things? I am interested in learning about so many things: affordable housing, environmental sustainability, microenterprise development/job creation, immigration/refugee support, intercultural connection, food justice, cooperative networks, and youth development. Within these areas of interest, what exists that is as meaningful as teaching and working with high school kids? What are the job titles and relevant skills that I need to develop?

I hope to spend some time this summer thinking about all of this and doing more research into organizations, following up with Graham again from the Visa foundation (and Meredith), and trying to narrow down what I’d like to do next. Regardless of whatever I chose next, I want it to feel like a true choice, and not just continued inertia and avoidance of thinking about my future career plans.

Valentines 2023

 A video for Maya

2nd Semester 2023

Hard to believe another year has gone by. I am hoping to get back to journaling again this year although I don't suppose it will be much easier now that I've fallen out of the habit. At any given time it feels like I have a never-ending-to-do list and I'm always trying to just get to bed before 11. Tonight was a rough night trying to change the car battery. I doubt it will be the fix but I feel good that I am at least trying. We are changing the water in the hot tub, which has been a few or two now project. We also tried to change the water filter below the house but once again couldn't get that off. It feels pretty frustrating to be dealing with the feeling of incompetency all the time but I have to keep trying when it comes to these things.

Work wise things are going alright. I don't love teaching but I don't mind it either. I feel like I am stuck in time at this point, watching my kids get older, but I do enjoy the parenting. At least when I am not too tired and don't distract myself by playing game on my phone. 

Florida was great this year. Actually don't feel bad about returning there year after year to visit my folks and to spend some time in the warmth. 

I start my Georgia Tech. Masters in language this week which I am pretty excited about but have some fears about what I'll actually get out of the program.

My New Years resolution's this year are to stretch, go to bed earlier, read (a little), have more compassion for myself (and for others), and to hopefully get abroad again (or to a bigger trip like Hawaii) this year.

It's late, I've run out of time, but nice to do a little bit of writing again.

Sincerely,

Me

Getting "after it"

My last post here was back in October of 2019. Hard to believe that's over two years ago at this point and has my life has come a bit of a blur. I never realized how having kids would change my perception of time so wildly. I've thought about posting here so many times during the pandemic and just struggled to find the motivation to do it.

I've decided to take the pressure off myself and just write. It doesn't matter how much or for how long but to just write. The pandemic has been hard for everyone. I feel pretty trapped in my routines these days. I watch too much TV (even right now as I type this), but again something is better than nothing? 

Having kids has changed my perspective in so many countless ways. I have a harder time focusing on my own life, which.I suppose is natural, but starting to get grays and feeling there's never enough time is a more recent phenomenon. When I have time I feel like I need to work on school work, in a career that I feel increasingly sure I am ready to leave. But I can't not put significant effort into my work, even when I am not all that effective, which is sad, and again, tied to my feeling of being trapped in my habits.

I've seen some amazing developments of both of my children and that's been fun to watch. The changes happen slowly on a day to a day basis but then suddenly when they make a leap like potty training for Misha and biking more recently for Helena. I get enjoyment out of parenting, but parenting 100% of the time with repeated quarantines has been less enjoyable. I can't imagine being a stay at-home parent and I am working on learning to enjoy my children more of the time. They are exhausting and I've come to grips with the fact that this is not the time in my life to do certain things. It is the time to focus on my kids and not take on volunteer opportunities or leadership roles at work. 

I've just started a new tennis season and I really am feeling unsure about it this time. I love coaching but it's just so much work and now I will be paying for it with figuring out childcare and transportation from aftercare and everything else. The biggest decisions are yet to come. Getting into ACS (or not) would change a lot of my future and whether or not I need to stay at Decatur to keep Helena in the school system. It's been a huge benefit that I suppose I knew I would get taking the job but somehow it still surprised me. But what I can't decide is whether saying two more years after this one is worth it to get TRS in GA.

I still yearn to live abroad and to change things up. When I had the opportunity to (almost) work at Padsplit I was really excited. Despite the lateral movement salary and position wise it was something new, different. I miss that feeling of excitement and made spend a lot of time this summer looking for new work. Going on vacation to the Virgin Islands for Xmas break recently felt more like a "trip" and less like a vacation. There are so many realities of traveling with kids that make things challenging. 

I'll try to reflect some more shortly on why I am not as sure about teaching (although I don't know that I was ever sure about it) and what else has changed since I last wrote shortly. 

Atlanta, Fall 2019 retrospective

Hard to believe that the last time I posted was the beginning of the summer. Back then I had so many hopes and aspirations and the summer felt too short to do hardly anything at all. But I came back to a surprisingly different Decatur. It's been a much better year with much more enjoyable student and classes. Teaching has been fine this year although I don't know if it's changed my mind about teaching as a career.

Nevertheless, looking back at my previous post from June here are a few reactions off the bat:
*I was right about the names and numbers comment - Misha is here now and while he had a few easier earlier days, it's definitely been harder having a second child. You have to be incredibly selfless to be a good parent and at least while I am in this newborn black hole, I can't imagine having more children right now. Everyone is tired in the house.

*Summer - It was a lot of fun. We ended up (still) traveling quite a bit. I forgot (or maybe just never got around to it) about posting some photos and comments about our summer travels so I will retroactively do that with my next post.

*Russian - I did work on it some but not as much I would have liked. I was back on the Duolingo train but as I advanced I got more and more frustrated with the emphasis on exact spelling and long, random sentences that didn't seem like everyday conversation type phrases. I will keep working on my Russian during future vacations but will switch to Babel or perhaps something I pay for. I also definitely did not put in 15 min.-30 min./day.

*Reading - While I read the French book I needed to read for school and a few Atlantic magazines, I didn't even catch up on the latter. 1 hour a day from two summers back seems crazy with a toddler around and when Helena wasn't with me was when I wanted to go out, play golf, tennis, or hang with friends. I read a tiny amount but no progress on the Poison Wood Bible. I did start "How to Talk so Kids will Listen and Listen so Kids Will Talk" after visiting Tobin in San Fran. and slowly making my way through it. Helena is a very difficult age for following directions and cooperating with us so this has been a little bit helpful.

*Running - exercise in general has really fallen off the map. Walking the dog is nice, running is not so fun, and I barely do it at all now if I am being honest with myself. I would like do more but not sure when as I don't have a lot of downtime and it's not very enjoyable.

*T.V. - So there's a realistic goal and the explanation in some part, for why my reading has gone out the window from what it used to be. I watched the new, and disappointing, Black Mirror Season, and more recently finished True Detective Season #3 (slow but pretty good), and Atlanta Season #2 (good, but not as good as the first season).

*Helena time -did a fair number of activities on my wish list there so that was good. Helena continued getting into gymnastics and developing into an expert young climber and a very solid tricyclist now too. Languages have been a natural development of course and even though she mostly speaks in English, she definitely understands most French and Russian. It was fun going to Russian singing class a few weeks ago and weird. Still haven't gotten the hang of tennis yet, need to work on that some more as recently I've been hammering away with colors and not sure why it's been so hard for her to get that.

*House stuff- got through some but not all of the prep. work, so much more to do and now with two houses, ugh. It's been nice moving into a bigger, nicer house but it is honestly at times too big, even with our expanded family of 4. I think part of it might just be buyers' remorse.

*Therapy -This was a fail. I did the research and got some options to do some free trials but no one looked great and didn't know how to decide so didn't decide anything at all.

*2 ideas to research - another fail. Just couldn't find the time or maybe didn't prioritize it but it seems like I underestimated just how much time the house move would take. Every summer for the past few it seems like there's been some big purchase that occupies more of my time than I would have thought.

*School prep. - I did use some of the summer for it and I am glad I did. It's funny though how you can never do enough. Sooner or later you end up in the grind and it's once again a slog to get through all of my school work and still try to be present with my family, especially Helena now.

Overall I am doing ok, just tired so much of the time. I guess that's normal with a newborn and it's been interesting remembering everything from 2.5 years ago with Helena. It's surprising how quickly we forgot things. I guess that's why I have a blog, to remember more.

Signing off for now and until next time.
AK

Yom Kippur hike with Shana

Alta Men's Champions B5 Spring/Summer? 2019

Visiting the zoo near Jonah's house

Visit to Jonah's house

Helena and her cousin Abel 

New elephant exhibit at the Atlanta zoo

Maya and I at friend's birthday party (Hutto's tailgate at the Starlight Theater in late August/September?)

Misha Dov Kessel comes to the world, Sept 20, 2019

A Laborious story 

Mom and dad visit ATL to meet Misha

Field trip to GA State

Leaving Grady with a Grady Baby

Helena's new brother 

Halloween Decorations a few weeks before Halloween at the new house

David Leiberman's wedding one year ago

The band practicing on the new sweet ass screened-in porch:

https://youtu.be/WO9_1rpaElE