Here I am back at it again. Although these posts come few and far between these days, I like the fact that I can continue a thread and see how things have changed/look back on what's now been a minute with this thing. I've returned because some self-reflection is in order with a new reality that I am both confronted by and one that I created. I also like the free write process here.
Last February I decided enough was enough at Decatur. The challenge of working and continuing to do a job that you no longer feel the same passion for was the overarching reason I think that I left teaching. I also wrote an 11 page memoire that I did not share (at least not yet) not just venting my frustrations within education but also specifically with my school and the ways in which I saw obstacles/management that I no longer wanted to confront in order to accomplish my language teaching objectives. I do miss it some, especially the kids, but even a month into "official" unemployment I do not have any regrets. It is funny to say the same thing that I've heard over and over both when I was teaching and afterwards now about how "it wasn't the kids," because that really is true. The demands for an IB high school teacher are not realistic or sustainable and the work load was only getting worse every year despite having better and better handles on systems and ways in which I felt like I was operating more efficiently; however, I also didn't want to miss my kids growing up and it's been nice picking them up from aftercare most days, attending morning meetings, and just in general having more time now.
I knew the job search would be grueling so there's been no surprises there although I can see how the disappointments and frustrations can add up and make people question their choices. I do not want to be unemployed for 9 months, one year, or longer (and hopefully it will be less!). Pivoting at 41 feels especially challenging as I am now competing for jobs potentially against some of my former students. Teachers have tons of great experience that no matter how well we tell our story and market these skills on our resumes and cover letters we face an uphill battle. Finding a teacher who has transitioned to a new role would probably help with getting an interview, which is why networking is so important. Typically I enjoy networking as it engages me in some of my strengths and natural connection's ability, but this feels different. It feels more like being powerless and asking someone to take pity on you. My cousin Hannah reminded me that people want to help and I shouldn't view it that way but it is a hard reality still that I am confronting on a regular basis now and I need to force myself to put myself out there.
Chat GPT and people I meet alike tell me I am super qualified and even "overqualified" for certain jobs but then actually getting interviews feels almost impossible. This lack of congruency between what I experience in the marketplace for jobs and what I would otherwise expect is hard and the longer I live in it the less confident I can value in my skills and background. I can keep telling myself I have value and marketable skills but if the job market tells me otherwise, I become more and more willing to work shitty poorly paying jobs just to get something again.
Since I started looking almost back in June (when I got to Vermont this past summer if I am being truthful about the timing), I've only had 2 interviews. It was challenging to not move forward with Ellevation after making the connection with Leah in Vermont and feeling like I had done a pretty good job with those interviews. I never found out why I didn't move forward and I think this will be the case most of the time moving forward when I get other interviews and fail to advance. At least having a few interview under my belt gives me some hope about landing something in the future.
The other big recent life update was hatching baby quails and then a few weeks later losing Sherlock. After over 12 years together we had to say goodbye to him yesterday. I didn't beat myself up too much about the decision because he was an old dog and seemingly had a problem (brain advanced tumor?) that he was not going to come back from. At the same time, the frustration with our healthcare systems, or in this case, pet care, is still challenging to live with going forward (I also can't believe my Kaiser insurance with Decatur was going to be $1200 a month to maintain now outside of an employer). As for Sherlock, why did it take so long to get an appointment with a specialist (dog dermatologist? I didn't know that existed?) and if the problem was serious wouldn't he have been put in the front of the line? The reality is that we may have spent more money and put him in more discomfort had we chosen more of an interventionist approach but now I am wondering if that's just what I tell myself to feel better about it. No matter how you look it sucks but the one angle I can understand is that he was crying/whimpering his last night or two and was definitely suffering. Euthanasia is a better choice than continue to living with such a low quality of life and I can completely understand the frustration people have with this not being a choice for humans (at least in our country).
Now I wake up every day with no shortage of things to do or even leisure activities I'd like to take advantage of while I can, but with a lot of questions around structuring my day and what to prioritize. I do feel a little guilty when I go days at a time not applying to jobs, but at the same time, I am learning that it's more about quality than quantity anyway and I need the mental breaks from looking at job postings. I'm still deciding what I might like to accomplish during this time but I do find it ironic that when you are working you so desperately want a break, but then when you get this break, the anxiety is real about finding your next job. The other irony is about how we fill our time and how I still often feel so busy. Running a home with two young, active kids, even with Solomon helping us out as much he does, takes up a lot of time. I suppose we fill the time we are given and when we don't have much of it we find ways to make it work and are forced to be more efficient/take more time to get to certain tasks. I feel fortunate that with Sherlock's passing I was not working. I've also been able to put some good time into our upcoming October Italian vacation for Titus' wedding which I am super pumped about.
Maya has thankfully given me the space to not worry about the money and to focus more on what I want to do, but this view unleashes it's own set of waves of harsh realities. I can think about what I might like to do in 10 years or what I liked about teaching and trying to look for more of those things for my next jobs, but can I even convince someone in a different industry to give me a chance and explain (in an interview) what this vision looks like? I'll go a few more months and check back here to see if I've made any progress or developed my ideas further. If not, I may take the leap into a business idea and trying my hand at creating my own thing. But that's a whole other reflection for another day. We shall see, signing off for now,
-AK
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| Chickpea, one of 3 new baby quails |
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